Fat Woman Walking

  “Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.” – Lord Byron ______________________________________ Today, I am going to teach you how to build a fat body: 1. Eat whatever you want and in any quantity . Eat until your gut bulges. Dump a load of greasy snacks down your gullet, especially close to bedtime so that the middle of the night morphs into a cauldron of acid indigestion and acid reflux. What fun! 2. Skip meals. Better yet, starve all day, and eat only one large meal a day, and that should be at night, the later the better, lasting until you hit the sheets. Be sure to add some sweet and salty snacks to your food dump. 3. Never exercise. Walk only when you must, for example, shuffling to the fridge or waddling from your car to your favorite fast food place. Better yet, use the drive-through. 4. Make sure that you’re sleep deprived. Four hours a night is quite enough, but I’m sure that you could function with a lot less. Soldier on! Man up! 5. Eat...

The author reading excerpts from Fat Woman Walking College English Association, New Orleans, March 2019 ____________________________________ Hey, body, where are you when I need you? Body: You called? Me: Where have you been for the last year? Body: Watching helplessly as you packed on 20 pounds. Me: You have betrayed me. Body: How so? Me: You made me gain weight. (Body laughs.) Me: What’s so funny? Body : You’re delusional. I didn’t feed your face. Me: (Pouty.) I didn’t cheat all that much… Body: How about those three servings of Bananas Foster in New Orleans? Me: That was a special case; I was at a conference, and it was there . Body: And the Jambalaya …  Me: Hey, I only ate one helping of that. Body: If the line hadn’t been so long, you would have gone back for more. You made up for it with the King Cake .  Me: I had only one Sprite and rum. Body: And I commend you for that. My point: when you overfeed me, the foo...

"The Beginning" A Shadow Selfie of the Author Summer 2016 _____________________________________ I began walking as a fat woman. A year later, I would be a thin woman walking, but I will always see that haughty fat woman in the pink, straw hat walking through the KFC Drive Thru, snapping shadow selfies and photos of arrows and Exit signs painted on the pavement. I have become an expert walker; I walk three miles nearly every day, in all kinds of weather and circumstances. I walked on Thanksgiving. I walked on Christmas Day. I walked on New Year’s Eve and Day. I walked on Easter. I walked on Memorial Day. I walked on the Fourth of July. I walked on Labor Day. I have calluses on my feet and the worn-out shoes to prove my endurance. I do not have superpowers, nor am I anyone special – I am just afraid, afraid not to walk – that if I don’t keep on walking my body will grow inert and, yet again, logy, soft, fat. Perhaps die before my time. In most t...