A Conversation with My Body: The New Orleans Edition
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| The author reading excerpts from Fat Woman Walking College English Association, New Orleans, March 2019 ____________________________________ |
Hey,
body, where are you when I need you?
Body: You
called?
Me: Where
have you been for the last year?
Body: Watching
helplessly as you packed on 20 pounds.
Me: You have
betrayed me.
Body: How so?
Me: You made
me gain weight.
(Body
laughs.)
Me: What’s
so funny?
Body: You’re
delusional. I didn’t feed your face.
Me: (Pouty.) I didn’t cheat all that much…
Body: How
about those three servings of Bananas Foster in New Orleans?
Me: That was
a special case; I was at a conference, and it was there.
Body: And the Jambalaya…
Me: Hey, I
only ate one helping of that.
Body: If the
line hadn’t been so long, you would have gone back for more. You made up for it
with the King Cake.
Me: I had
only one Sprite and rum.
Body: And I
commend you for that. My point: when you overfeed me, the food has to go
somewhere. It doesn’t matter where we are and what occasion you are celebrating. I’m just along for
the ride.
Me: (Huffy.) You didn’t have to pack eight
pounds on me in less than a week.
Body: You didn’t
have to stuff your face. You ate every bite on your plate and every dessert plopped
down in front of you – and then some. You piled your plate high in buffet line.
Disgusting. Don’t forget the crusty bread, frozen yogurt, and pralines. If Jerry,
the food police, hadn’t been around, you would have eaten until you dropped
dead. Oh, I almost forgot that huge breakfast buffet you hoovered on your last
day in the Big Easy.
Me: But it
was free.
Body: I bet
poison nerve gas from World War II is free, but would you want to eat it?
Me: Good point.
But it was New Orleans, and the music
was great as we ate. Jazz everywhere. (Whining:)
I wanted to dance, but instead I ate.
Body: Well, that
was a choice.
Me: (With petulance.) And Jerry ate a lot,
too, but he gained only two pounds.
Body: Yes,
Jerry overate, but he overate modestly. He overate like a thin person eats, and
you overate like three stevedores…
Me: Stop
quoting Mo; it wasn’t cute when I was a child, and it isn’t cute now.
Body: The
truth hurts.
Me: Why have
you abandoned me?
Body: I haven’t
abandoned you. I have been here all along, but you just weren’t listening.
(Pause.)
Me: Okay. So
how do I move forward? WW Freestyle doesn’t work for me. It took me almost a
month of strict program to lose that New Orleans eight.
Body: That’s
because you’re off more than you’re on. You must be more mindful about eating. And,
yes, it sucks that you’re older and your metabolism is sluggish.
Me: (Pondering.) I have thought about doing Keto…
Body: No, no,
and no. Been there, done that. You hated
the high protein, low carb diet. You fell off that diet wagon hard and went
batshit crazy.
Me: Yeah,
yeah. we binged for years.
Body: You, not
me.
Me: (Sighs.) Yes, just me.
Body: Okay,
then, let’s figure out how we go forward. Let’s start with the so-called zero-point
foods. While Freestyle allows for these foods as needed, keep in mind they
still have calories.
Me: Fruit.
Especially bananas, which I don’t eat anymore.
Body: Don’t
forget the Bananas Foster.
Me: That was
a three-time thing, but in my normal program life, I avoid them.
Body: (Laughs.) Probably a good idea.
Me: Time to
do some excising. Where to start?
Body:
Depending on the fruit, you’re looking at 50-100 calories a pop, so to say you
can eat all you want is disingenuous.
Me: So if I
eat more than three servings a day, I need to start counting additional points?
Body: That’s
right. While fruit is good for us, with loads of fiber, it also packs a lot of sugar.
Me: How many
points?
Body: Depends
on the fruit – we can figure that out later. Another thing: we need to discuss
portion size. WW really doesn’t cover this well, but you tend to fall into the portion
distortion trap.
Me: How so?
Body: When you
eat a large apple, how do you count it?
Me: As one
fruit.
(Loud
Buzzer.)
Body: Wrong.
Let’s try two fruits.
Me: (Obviously shocked.) Two?
Body: That’s
right, Buttercup.
Me: (Whining.) If I can’t eat a whole apple,
how will I fill this great yawning gut of mine?
Body: Green
veggies, like lettuce. Little nutritional value, but you’d have to eat a lot of
lettuce to get fat.
Me: Gulp!
Body: Let’s take
a look at that shredded non-fat cheese you like that zeroes out at 28 grams.
Me: I
sprinkle 14 grams on my egg white omelet.
Body: Good
choice. But did you know that if you eat more than 28 grams in a day, you start
accumulating points?
Me: No, but
if you hum a few bars…
Body: I’m
serious. Some of those saucy casseroles you and Jerry like call for 56 grams of
this cheese. Be honest: at what point should you start counting points?
Me: So zero
points does not equal zero calories –
they can add up fast…And when you eat a lot of zero-pointers and include foods
with points, you can suck up 2,000-plus calories in no time flat.
Body: Yes! Be
careful of other zero-point foods: if you eat large portions of white meat
chicken, eggs, beans, and corn, you can end up with a whopper of a day.
Me: (Thinking.) I need to reconsider corn…too
tempting. I should count it, no matter what WW says. Keep fruits to 3 reasonable
servings a day and count any additional servings.
Body: My
opinion? WW is too lenient, and the zero-point system can be misleading.
Me: So what
you’re saying: I need to create my own system to fit my body and metabolism.
Body: Exactly.
Take the best of WW and create your own program, concentrating on lean proteins,
fewer refined carbs, no more than three fruits per day, more green veggies, and
some nuts and seeds. Oh, people over 65 need to up their protein intake. Premier Protein is a good source of lean protein. Equate is Walmart’s less expensive knockoff.
Me: I can
make this work!
Body: Reminder:
keep cheat days to a minimum.
Me: And then
we’re good?
Body: I can’t
promise that you will lose all those 20 pounds overnight – you really didn’t
gain them overnight…
Me: What
about those eight pounds I gained in five days?
Body: Well,
you lost them, didn’t you?
Me: Yes, but
it took so long.
Body: Life isn’t
fair. Boo, hoo!
Me: Okay,
okay…
Body: While I’m
ragging on you, I might as well bring up another issue.
Me: What?
Body:
Exercise.
Me: Oh,
that.
Body: Yes, that…
Me: I’ve
been slacking off…
Body: And I
have felt it. Could also explain why your weight has crept up.
Me: (Hanging head down.) Yeah.
Body: Your
three-year anniversary is coming up in two days. On May 5, 2016, you weighed
nearly 200 pounds…
Me: Now that
you mention it, 146 pounds doesn’t look so bad.
Body: A lot to
celebrate. Get your diet back on track and get yourself moving. You got this.
Me: I got
this.
Body: We have a
lot to celebrate.
Me: Yes, we
do.
Body: One more
thing. (Pausing.) Even if you can’t
shake that last 20 pounds, consider this: you are only slightly overweight. You
would be okay if you leveled out here.
Me: Maybe.
But I’m afraid it won’t stop here if I don’t take control now.
Body: I have
faith in you.
Me: Thank
you.
Body: One more
thing before I recede back into the depths of your psyche.
Me: Oh, oh.
Body: Just some
positive reinforcement. In the end, no matter what you weigh, it doesn’t define
who you are.
Me: But it does define what people think of me. It’s
why I like Facebook so much. On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.
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| New Yorker cartoon, July 5, 1993 Artist: Peter Steiner ____________________ |
Body: I saw
that silly cartoon, too.
Me: But it’s
true.
Body: The
people who love you are going to love you no matter what. What others think
doesn’t matter.
Me: It’s
humiliating being grossly obese.
Body: That’s
out of my milieu, I’m afraid. You’ll have to conjure up your fantasy shrink for that.
Me: (Laughs.) I’ll try to cultivate a better
self-image.
Body: Okay,
then. Meanwhile, get cracking on that rejiggered Freestyle plan.
Me: I will.
Body: Keep in
touch!
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