How to Build a Fat Body (For Slim People Only)
– Lord Byron
______________________________________
Today, I am going to teach you how to build a fat body:
1. Eat whatever
you want and in any quantity. Eat until your gut bulges. Dump a load of greasy
snacks down your gullet, especially close to bedtime so that the middle of the
night morphs into a cauldron of acid indigestion and acid reflux. What
fun!
2. Skip meals.
Better yet, starve all day, and eat only one large meal a day, and that should
be at night, the later the better, lasting until you hit the sheets. Be sure to
add some sweet and salty snacks to your food dump.
3. Never
exercise. Walk only when you must, for example, shuffling to the fridge or waddling
from your car to your favorite fast food place. Better yet, use the drive-through.
4. Make sure
that you’re sleep deprived. Four hours a night is quite enough, but I’m
sure that you could function with a lot less. Soldier on! Man up!
5. Eat nothing
but junk food. The higher the fat content, the better. Don’t even go near
a carrot or celery stick.
6. Work, work,
work, and never play. Stay connected 20/7 to your technology. Okay, you can
take snack and pee breaks, but chop! chop! No time to lose! In extreme
circumstances, keep your snack cache within reach of your computer and consider
adult diapers as a viable option.
7. After packing
on 50 pounds, panic and then go on a starvation diet, the more extreme, the
better.
8. Wash, rinse,
and repeat.
9. After each
yo-yo diet, watch your weight go up even more dramatically. Way to go!
10. Get
frustrated and, finally, just give up on yourself...
Hey, wait a minute...
Got your attention, didn’t I?
Shouldn’t I be showing you “How to Build a
Slim Body”?
Yes. I should, that is, if I were
writing this post for dieters trying to lose weight.
However, this advice is for slim people,
whether you are newly slim or have been slim all your life.
Okay, it’s for dieters as well, because
many of you will reach goal weight, so you might as well read this now.
So why would a fat person offer snarky diet
“advice” to slim people?
Good question.
Here’s my answer: I’m an experienced dieter,
a serial dieter. My diet journey began in 1959, when I, a natural fatty, was
eight.
I’m not claiming I’m a successful
dieter, but I do offer 60 years of experience and hard knocks – that should
count for something.
I know all the pitfalls and diet traps.
Conversely, when naturally slim people hit
middle age, they often start packing on the pounds, some folks even growing
obese. I have observed this phenomenon in the media and real life; it’s likely
that you have observed this as well.
Also, newly-slim people (former fatties)
often fall off the maintenance wagon within a year, sometimes within weeks of
reaching goal –
I’ve been there.
Several times.
Sometimes, the weight gain is miniscule,
but often it is dramatic, like 100 pounds in two years.
Slim people who have never had to watch
their weight often feel helpless when their weight begins creeping upward – even
if they haven’t upped their daily calories…
Nah.
It’s likely that your weight creep
has been caused by increased calorie intake – our culture has become shockingly
food-centric. You can’t go anywhere without someone shoving a treat in your face.
It’s not your fault.
Besides, the gain is barely noticeable – at
least at first.
Then, one day, you wake up and realize you are
fat, one of us!
You have never dieted before.
Never.
It’s an alien concept. A foreign language
of calories, carbs, fats, sugars, food scales, measuring cups and spoons, and
bathroom scales.
Otherworldly.
Welcome to my world of weights and measurements.
Unlike us natural fatties, you have no idea
what to do about it, so you try all the typical extreme measures that we fatties
tried when we were 13 and still stupid: starvation, skipping meals, fad diets, fasting,
etc., etc.
If this is you, don’t do it.
Just skip to sensible 101.
My new advice: “How to Cultivate a Slimmer
Body”:
1. Eat anything
you want, but just not everything. Eat until you are 80% full and wait 20
minutes – still a work-in-progress for me.
2. Never skip
meals. Eat three squares a day and two snacks. By keeping your body
nourished all day, you are less likely to snack all night – still a
work-in-progress for me.
3. Exercise
regularly, 3 to 5 times a week, 30 minutes a day. What exercise you choose
is up to you – still a work-in-progress for me (although I’m improving).
4. Get 7.5 to 9
hours of sleep per night. Well-rested people tend to be and remain slimmer –
still a work-in-progress for me.
5. Eat less
junk food and more whole foods: low saturated fat, low sugar, lower carbs,
and higher lean protein – still a work-in-progress for me.
6. More play,
play, play and less work. More connection with flesh and blood friends and
family, and less connection to Facebook, your smartphone, and the internet –
still a work-in-progress for me.
7. If you
notice a few pounds creeping on, don’t panic; instead, get serious by
developing a sensible lifelong food plan that allows for some wiggle room
(treats!) and slow weight loss. Besides, if you catch your weight gain early
enough, you won’t have that much to lose – still a work-in-progress for me.
8. After
reaching goal weight, continue monitoring your weight. If you gain more
than 5 pounds: wash, rinse, and repeat #1-7 – still a work-in-progress for me.
9. If you
follow #1-8, your weight will never go up more than 5 pounds, and that is
dramatic! – still a work-in-progress for me.
10. Even when
you feel frustrated with your efforts (and go off the wagon in a spectacular
way), never give up on yourself – still a work-in-progress for me.
Okay, I’m a weight-management hypocrite.
So sue me.
I’ll never stop trying.
Keep on truckin’, my cyber friends.
________________________________________
(Another version of this essay was originally
written on 11 April 2011, when I was feeling especially smug and preachy.)
Comments