Fat Woman Walking

“I wish I could walk like her.” A woman, about my age and hobbling with a cane, said this to her younger male companion, possibly her son or caretaker. I had never seen this pair before this day, but I greeted them as I do everyone on my walk. They nodded in my direction and moved on, to the yard sale down the street. The comment was not meant for my ears, but I’m always hyper-aware around strangers, especially in a neighborhood teetering on the edge – one reason I don’t listen to music on my outside walks. My hearing sharp, I could hear the woman’s plaintive wish, half a block away. I felt a little shamed. Here I was, bouncing around and walking fast, and… Feeling sorry for myself. I had just made the painful decision to go back on my CPAP – I could feel myself slipping into old habits: sleeping late, going to bed late, getting up late, eating as if were just coming out of a famine, and slacking off on my walks – for me, the last bastion of healthy body weight...

The Author's CPAP mask as an artifact ________________________________ Without my “Why,” I would probably gain my weight back. My Why had better remain strong and at the forefront of my mind – yes, a healthy obsession – otherwise, I will gain the weight back. Indeed, as I have said in previous chapters, there is no guarantee that I will keep the weight off, despite my Why – it is no accident that I refer to myself as a fat woman walking. I need a constant reminder of why I have undertaken this difficult journey and why I continue on its path, even though it remains tricky – in some ways more treacherous than those heady weekly weight losses. Frankly, it’s not all that exciting to see, every day, the same number register on the scale, except to note that it represents a normal weight. Even in paradise, days normalize and become ordinary with the same-old, same-old daily slog. I remember well when my Why was born, a date that will remain forever etched in memo...