Prologue

Prologue

I am a fat woman in a thin body.

I am a thin woman in a fat body.

I am a fat girl in a thin body.

I am a thin girl in a fat body.

Fat girl, fat woman –

Fat woman, thin girl –

Thin girl, fat woman –

Fat woman, fat girl –

Fat girl, thin woman –

Thin woman, fat girl –

Fat girl, fat woman –

Fat woman, fat girl –

Fat girl, thin girl –

Thin girl, fat girl –

Fat girl, fat woman...

Around and around

I go,

Not-so-merry-go-round.

Fat is my truth,

Consuming above all.

Two tales, one body,

One body, two tales.

Two bodies?

Thin narrates a sudden lie,

Fat an epic truth,

*A Tale of Two Bodies*

Another truth:

Fat, I am shamed;

Thin, I am raw.

A bared secret:

I turn to fat,

In a flash;

I dwell in fat.

I have journeyed to thin –

A distant land,

A short sojourn.

I am a fat woman walking.

I am a thin girl running.


*

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Autumn: Fat Woman Stumbling

Unhappy CPAP'er
_________________

“I’m backkkk…”
Fewer than two months after posting The “Why” and Conversations with My CPAP 
…Back on the CPAP.
All it took was the Thanksgiving weekend and pretty much unchecked eating for about a week.
Seven pounds later and much self-reflection, I have concluded that I was beginning to slip back into the old ways of binge eating, chronic sleepiness, depression, insomnia, and belly bloat.
Despite my happy diagnosis of no more Sleep Apnea, I may have shucked the CPAP too soon – a bitter pill to swallow.
But it’s better to face this now, and not wait until I have packed on 50 or more pounds, especially when I have the tools to stop it.
Looking back, I now realize that the above symptoms were beginning to return shortly after I put away the CPAP, especially the chronic hunger.
I just chalked it up to being in Iowa and Washington, D.C., away from my comfortable environment.
When I returned home, the symptoms continued, but I rationalized that it was the changing season stoking up my hunger, even though the changing season hadn’t affected my appetite a year ago.
Then, on November 29, 2017, while on my walk (yes, despite everything, I have continued my walks) and reflecting on why I couldn’t get my appetite under control, the truth hit me like a sledgehammer: my Sleep Apnea was back.
I could no longer deny it, and I needed to face this reality head on.
I must face it head on.
That very night, the CPAP retook its position on my nightstand, the mask and hose becoming, yet again, a part of my night body.
Yes, I’m slightly sad at this unexpected turn of events, but also hopeful that I will eventually shuck this device – this time for good.
As I write this, I have been using my CPAP for nine days, and the difference has been amazing – my sleep and eating patterns have returned to normal.
One caveat, though: in the middle of this personal change, Weight Watchers rolled out Freestyle, an enhancement to Smart Points, placing emphasis on lean proteins: adding white-meat chicken, all variety of beans, all fish and seafood, corn and peas, plain non-fat yogurt, and whole eggs on its 0-points list.
As a result, for the past five days, I have ramped up my protein and cut back on processed foods, which may explain some of the increased energy and much-improved sleep.
More proactive action: I have been fitted for a night mouth guard, recommended by my dentist because of my teeth grinding during sleep.
From what I have researched, a mouth guard can also help with mild Sleep Apnea.
I could place all the blame on my returning Sleep Apnea, but the truth is, I stumbled, and I stumbled spectacularly.
No one forced me to binge for a solid week.
Yes, I did it, eating just about everything in sight – you know, “the see-food” diet.
No matter the cause –
I must own it.
And now I have.




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